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Eliminating the competition and other fantasy football strategies

Pat walked into the draft room like he had a half dozen times before, his senses greeted with things oh-so-familiar: the sound of a preseason drowning out a guitar solo blasting from some unseen stereo, the sight of a delectable spread of luncheon meats, chips, and dips, and the subtle smell of cheap beer.

It was fantasy football draft day in all its glory — a day of reckoning for Pat and 11 people who had done bloody battle in the fake football trenches for nearly a decade.

Pat, like a degenerate kid on degenerate Christmas, burst into the draft room and screamed hello to the table full of fantasy footballers. Pat slapped Tony — that lug — on the back. Tony tilted forward, and with two hundred and eighty-eight pounds of dead weight, went face first into his laptop.

Pat stopped, his spine a line of ice, and surveyed the draft room. He dry heaved. There were slashes throats, knives sticking out of chests, eye sockets without eyes, frozen looks of horror. All dead. All except one.

"Hey man," Martin said with his eyes plastered to the computer screen. "Draft starts in five."

Red rum before redruM

Randall took another shot of the blood red stuff because something primitive in his drunken brain was pushing him to match the massive alcohol intake of his drinking buddy, Paul. The world was spinning, words no longer sounded like words, things didn’t make sense through the hazy filter of this strangely colored rum they were drinking like desert wanderers at a degenerate oasis.

The knife didn’t even feel like a knife as its jagged teeth slid into Randall’s back. The name on the bottle made sudden and terrifying sense though: redruM.

- C.D. Carter

Frequent contributor C.D. Carter has a new fantasy football ebook available on the Kindle store, and coming soon to iBooks. Check it out.

Thinking of her

He flicked his finger and landed the pebble in her bag. She would not know it, but a piece of his thought would be in her bag.

Twitter Handle: @Alphawings


 He was a soldier.  She was his fallen team mate’s wife.  She was all he ever wanted.  She was the one he could never have.
 - alexandraisobel
 
He was a soldier.  She was his fallen team mate’s wife.  She was all he ever wanted.  She was the one he could never have.
There were two things in this world that turned Mercury Cardinal into an animal. Combat and the protection of Daria Hill … Tonight his mission is to get her from the bed they just shared to rendez-vous helo where they’ll be forced to say good-bye.
- Alexandra Isobel

There were two things in this world that turned Mercury Cardinal into an animal. Combat and the protection of Daria Hill … Tonight his mission is to get her from the bed they just shared to rendez-vous helo where they’ll be forced to say good-bye.

Alexandra Isobel

Lifeless Vanity


She had prepared the bath, just as she always did, while arguing with the mirror. That lady in the next room, looking at her, that voice of reason, that caring person, tried to let her know that her life wasn’t looking at her eyes; they were looking at her back. It was too late; now just a floating, grey, cabbage patch kid, HER cabbage patch kid.

- Adam Micohn / maleuronic

Find him on tumblr at THIS LOCATION

Age

Peter looked up into dark eyes and his heart stopped. In the depths he saw a girl, a lover, a warrior, a mother, a fearless joyous woman who lived life on her toes skipping between places and people endlessly smiling and laughing at the sheer vastness of the possibility of life before her. Peter stood quickly and stepped aside, “Here” he stammered “take this seat.” The old woman sat, a wry smile sitting on her lips.

- Jim

Today when I was walking to my home I saw a crazy man at a street yelling interesting words. “Soon the dead will rise again, because the devil will have decided that earth is a much worse place than hell!”

iaronaroujo Check them out on tumblr by clicking the link

Hellmouth Death Parade

Well played, water-logged spider corpse floating in my dog’s dish. I thought nothing could be more disgusting than the crispy carcass of your kin I found in the microwave yesterday. 

- Mariel Q

Find frequent guest Mariel on twitter

The warmth trickled down his leg as he crouched down behind the quickly vanishing wall. He winced every time he heard the spitting of bullets, each one it’s own grim little promise. Well, David had lied hadn’t he?, this wasn’t like Call of Duty at all.

Heroes

He took too many pills, to protect the world from himself. His son couldn’t wake him and called 911. The ambulance was already next door saving someone, so they saved him too.

-Adam Micohn

Ribbons

They all give me ribbons. Satin ribbons, lace ribbons, velvet ribbons. My only treasure in the darkness of this cellar. I should be grateful. But I know they’re just ashamed of themselves. Because back home, in their fashionable districts, their own children remind them of what they’ve done to me. I could make a rope out of my ribbons, and flee. But my power over them is too great to relinquish it so soon.

chrysaoraelectrum 

Abomination = Me

Somewhere, a child’s stomach growls as politicians a thousand miles away move heaven and earth to take away her sustenance, smiling all the time. A teenager wraps his lips around the business end of a shotgun, beaten down by the years of hallways taunting, the relentless barrage of dehumanizing mockery and insult. There’s a mother huddled over her children in some outlying dessert village, praying to anyone and anything that the invading gunmen — warriors for The Almighty — won’t kill them like so many dogs in the street. Sightless bombs are dropped for freedom, directly on the heads of innocents. Cancer kills a brother, a father, a sister, a mother, an aunt, a cousin, a friend. A highway pileup takes away a woman’s legs. And here I sit, fretting about my fantasy football team. I am an abomination. 

- C.D. Carter

Find many more of his very short stories on Miniature Fiction by clicking HERE. C.D. Carter, when not exposing the frailties of the human condition, exposes the world to proper strategy in fantasy football.

Find C.D. Carter’s newest writings on the Amazon store where he’s written an advice/strategy guide for fantasy football How To Think Like a Fantasy Football Winner. Find it at the Amazon store by clicking the link.

You can also find more of his fantasy football advice writing on XN Sports and The Fake Football.

Dinner

“Hey, it’s almost six o’lock. What do you want to do for dinner, babe?” Max stated as he closed the lid to his Macbook on the living room table.

“Hmmm… I don’t know, what sounds good? Do you want to go out? We can eat here… if you want” she replied, waving towards the refrigerator.

“Well, we did eat out last night. Chinese sounds good. We could order in and watch Netflix. I’m all done with my work for the night, I don’t have a problem with that.”

“No, I don’t want Chinese. I had sushi three days ago with Sarah, remember?”

“Sushi isn’t chinese, but whatever. Pizza? I think Spencer is working tonight, he could get us half off.”

“Pizza doens’t sound good either. Too carb-y. I have Hamburger Helper, and a few different types of pasta in the kitchen”

“You realize you just said pizza was too carb-y and then just reccomended foods constructed entirely out of carbs, right?”

“Shut up. Sorry. Do you want to go out? There is that Mexican place down the road that we haven’t tried yet. Or we could go downtown and go somewhere nice.”

“I had Mexican for lunch. I don’t really feel like spending two hours driving downtown, finding a place to park and trying to get into somewhere nice without a reservation. What would you even want down there?”

“I don’t know, I just thought it would be nice to go out. We haven’t been down there in a while. It’s so pretty nice this time of year when it isn’t so hot.”

“I’m really not feeling it. I vote we order Chinese”

“I just had Chinese!”

“Sushi isn’t Chinese!”

“Whatever. I just won’t eat then. Do whatever you want.”

“Stop being silly. You need to eat. You’ve had just as long of a day as I have, you’re hungry. C’mon. What sounds good?”

“God damn it, Max, nothing, I’m not hungry anymore. You couldn’t pick up on the hint that I wanted to go downtown and now I’m done with it. Forget it.”

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about. How does disagreeing with me on what to eat make you not hungry?”

“No, you’re an asshole.”

“Fine, lets go downtown. Let me get my keys.”

“I don’t want to go down. You didn’t listen and now we aren’t going. I’m just gonna go upstairs. Do whatever you want for dinner.”

“This is ridiculous. Whatever. I’m gonna go to Burger King. Later.

- Davis Mattek

New guest Davis can be found in various places all over the Interwebs dishing out fantasy sports advice. Find him on Twitter, The Fake Football, Rotoviz, and his own Sports Wunderkind.

Feeling the Second Amendment

Johnny joined the military after the mass shooting to end all mass shootings: Eighty-one people mowed down by a gunman at a carnival in Minnesota — a gunman armed like some apocalyptic cyborg who purchased every weapon legally. Finally, at long last, Capitol Hill bowed to the pressure of gun rights restrictions, and yes, finally, the president proposed a total and complete elimination of the Second Amendment. Johnny signed up for service that very day, knowing that it would soon be the primary job of soldiers everywhere to forcibly remove firearms from every home in America. Johnny, with blood splattered on his smiling ace, felt the charge of justice flow through him as he raided house after house — side by side with heavily armed service members — staging theatrical public executions for those who wouldn’t give up their guns. Johnny salivated as bullets from the hot machine in his hands tore through the flesh of gun nuts everywhere. He wanted them to feel the Second Amendment enter them, then exit them.

- C.D. Carter

Find C.D. Carter’s newest writings on the Amazon store where he’s written an advice/strategy guide for fantasy football How To Think Like a Fantasy Football Winner. Find it at the Amazon store by clicking the link.

You can also find more of his fantasy football advice writing on XN Sports and The Fake Football.


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