Showing posts tagged lol

Vicious

“How dare you bring that beast, that foul creature to this park,” the enraged woman said to me. I looked where she was pointing, at my 35 pound beagle sleeping on the grass, it’s leash attached and in my hand. “Geez, you’re right lady, she’s clearly a danger to everyone.”

Heckling the State of the Union

It was our first time, we were podcast virgins, but my friend Dave and I felt strongly that we had a good idea. On CNN, the President stepped to the lectern and we hit the button to make our podcast live. The “Political Hecklers” began as our modest 100 listeners watched the President and simultaniously listened to us mock him, the Congress, and the media.

I Guess I Should Do Some Work

Figuring that I had wasted enough time at work, I decided I should probably buckle down and actually do some. I looked at the clock and saw it was 2:30. Nope, better start the work tomorrow. Way too late in the day to be getting bogged down in something…

Insurance Policy

I’d borrowed too much, far too much, now I was in so deep I only knew one way out. My latest movie production was supposed to be a $150 million blockbuster. Shooting was just getting started and I’d spent just enough to make it appear legitimate, then I’d taken out a $200 million completion policy on the whole production…

To Be Continued…

Gas Light

Craig looked out his dining room window and saw the interior car light was on, again. He went out into the frigid air and just as he got to his car, it went out… again. From the shadows I waited till Craig got back inside, then thumbed my remote to turn Craig’s car light on again.

Get Out Of My Site

I laid out all the snacks for the Big Game, I had everything. A friend, Dave, saw the only chip option available was Doritos and said he didn’t like them - he preferred Tostitos. I pointed at the door and said simply, “Get out.”

The World Needs a Hero

Thor, the real Thor, walked down the busiest street in New York proclaiming he was here to save all mankind. A crowd gathered as he explained how he’d use his godlike powers and intellect to solve all of humanity’s problems. Howard avoided the scene and dialed his friend on his iPhone 7, “Dude, some crazy guy is walking through downtown in his superhero underwear.”

When I’m Gone

I told my friend a very special instruction for when I die, especially if I die relatively young. I want him to hire a woman, maybe an actress, but she doesn’t have to be. At my funeral, at the right moment, this woman is to race down the aisle, throw herself on my coffin and scream hysterically “Take me, TAKE ME INSTEAD” until she has to be dragged away - THAT aught to cause a good stir.


No… seriously, THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

Lens Flare of Doom

There once was a director who placed hundreds and thousands of artificial, purposeful lens flares in all of his movies, he liked the way they popped on screen. People often wondered why he would cover up his actors with giant flares of light, until his penultimate movie “Lens Flares of Doom” was released in 2021. After that everyone realized the truth, the lens flares had been the villains all these years!

Vehicle Relay

A new kind of car race, the relay, instead of handing off batons to each other drivers would tap the bumper of the car whose turn it was. The trick was tapping the bumper in such a way as to cause no damage. My team was in first place as I applied the brakes to tap the next car, unfortunately I came in way too hot and slammed into the car at 35 MPH.

Go Get Our Damn Trophy!

This was it, the final day, the all or nothing day. I had been waiting for this moment my entire life and this was my last chance, I knew I wouldn’t be back. Championship games in community softball  just don’t come around that often.

inspired by the above video…

Take Me To Your Leader

When the aliens landed the aircraft in my backyard and demanded I show them to my leader, I shrugged. I called my wife and asked her to come and then showed her to the aliens and proclaimed Janice as my leader. The aliens didn’t seem to understand.

Angsty Kid

"You believe at heart, everyone’s a killer who was born in a house full of pain, who was trained not to spit in the fan, who was told what to do by the man, who was broken by trained personnel, who was fitted with collar and chain, who was given a pat on the back, who was breaking away from the pack, who was only a stranger at home, who was ground down in the end, who was found dead on the phone, who was dragged down by the stone," my son said to me, looking away, through his bedroom window. "Go to bed," I told him, "your first day of kindergarten is tomorrow."

- C.D. Carter

 and check out his new ebook on the Kindle Store Here

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Listen to the Rain

We bought a state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line, terribly overpriced noise machine for the baby’s room, a recommended purchase for any parent hoping to replicate the comfort of the womb for their sleepless bundle of joy. I lie there in bed one night, so tired I couldn’t sleep, the baby monitor nearby, when I first heard the words of advice speak to me from somewhere in the simulated rain sounds of the infant’s noise machine. Barely audible, I strained to listen to every syllable whispering beneath the burst of sound, and finally heard its message: “Draft Lamar Miller.”

- C.D. Carter

C.D. Carter is a reporter, author of zombie stories, writer for The Fake Football and Sports Jerks. Fantasy Sports Writers Association member. His work  has been featured in the New York Times. Follow C.D. on Twitter @CDCarter13

C.D. Carter has also recently been writing about how poker can be applied to fantasy sports, check it out… Poker Lessons Applied to Fantasy Football

God Hates Fantasy Football

The Almighty, her golden eyes blazing, had come to me in a dream; or rather, a hallucination in the predawn hours, as first light crept across my bed. She said in a voice laced with sweet sorrow, “Go forth and vanquish those who dare write about fantasy football in the spring, for they are an abomination unto me, and their obsession shall not be tolerated in this world or any other.” I’ve crossed eight of these fantasy fiends off my list, their blood spilled and their pens stopped forever, ridding springtime of the heinous number crunching that is the hallmark of these unnatural things, these fake football writers.

- C.D. Carter

Follow frequent guest C.D. Carter on twitter at @CDCarter13


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