Showing posts tagged funny

Go Get Our Damn Trophy!

This was it, the final day, the all or nothing day. I had been waiting for this moment my entire life and this was my last chance, I knew I wouldn’t be back. Championship games in community softball  just don’t come around that often.

inspired by the above video…

You Don’t Know The Power of the Dark Side

I knew it was wrong, but I felt it calling to me, begging me to do the wrong thing. Finally, I gave in, I ate the entire quart of mint chocolate chip ice cream and I felt good about it.

Take Me To Your Leader

When the aliens landed the aircraft in my backyard and demanded I show them to my leader, I shrugged. I called my wife and asked her to come and then showed her to the aliens and proclaimed Janice as my leader. The aliens didn’t seem to understand.

To The Moon Alice

Alice held her breath as the straps were cinched tighter. An hour later her one person experimental craft blasted off the Earth - it’s destination, the moon. She’d spend the rest of her life there, studying, experimenting and testing the human limits of off Earth travel; she only hoped she’d brought enough books to pass the time.

Party By Mistake

I got invited to the Apple corporate party by mistake; I didn’t work there but I got a special invitation in the mail. So, I went, and ended up having a very interesting conversation with someone named Johnny Ive - he ended up asking me to meet in his office on Monday. Now what was i supposed to do about that?

Angsty Kid

“You believe at heart, everyone’s a killer who was born in a house full of pain, who was trained not to spit in the fan, who was told what to do by the man, who was broken by trained personnel, who was fitted with collar and chain, who was given a pat on the back, who was breaking away from the pack, who was only a stranger at home, who was ground down in the end, who was found dead on the phone, who was dragged down by the stone,” my son said to me, looking away, through his bedroom window. “Go to bed,” I told him, “your first day of kindergarten is tomorrow.”

- C.D. Carter

 and check out his new ebook on the Kindle Store Here

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D.I.Y.

I became mildly obsessed with the “do it yourself” movement, I hand made my own wallets, book shelves, glasses, shirts… everything. For some reason when I made my own car everyone refused to get in; something about “safety” nonsense.

The WOW Factor

The property manager confidently told James and Olivia that they would be blown away by the room. He opened the door to show a tiny room with a tiny bed, sink, closet, dirty floors, and one hanging exposed light bulb. It took their breath away, “We’ll take it!”

God Hates Fantasy Football

The Almighty, her golden eyes blazing, had come to me in a dream; or rather, a hallucination in the predawn hours, as first light crept across my bed. She said in a voice laced with sweet sorrow, “Go forth and vanquish those who dare write about fantasy football in the spring, for they are an abomination unto me, and their obsession shall not be tolerated in this world or any other.” I’ve crossed eight of these fantasy fiends off my list, their blood spilled and their pens stopped forever, ridding springtime of the heinous number crunching that is the hallmark of these unnatural things, these fake football writers.

- C.D. Carter

Follow frequent guest C.D. Carter on twitter at @CDCarter13

Fantasy Football Zombie Draft

“I don’t draft grave dwellers,” Bennie said, with a fist pound on the wooden table to drive home the point. “They’re old, they’re disoriented, and even when you find one worth a damn, he loses a limb every third hit.” Bennie selected Jacobs instead — as a protest to his grave-born teammates — because Jacobs, like Bennie, had been made undead through a bite, the way God had intended.

- C.D. Carter

Wednesday Night

I thought he couldn’t get any more ridiculous. But then he kept me away by playing a harmonica until 3am. 

- Duchess of Words

Find Duchess of Words on Tumblr

Smack-Smack

The bus’s windshield wipers, clearing away the grey, frozen drizzle of the dead March afternoon, were driving me ever closer to the brink of insanity, that place where anyone can venture if pushed far enough by an infernal racket. The smack-smack of those wretched wipers burned through my fraying sense of reality — of what is real and what isn’t — until I found myself on the bus, five and a half hours after I had boarded it, stark naked and gnawing on my Kindle.

- C.D. Carter

C.D. Carter is a reporter, author of zombie stories, writer for The Fake Football and Sports Jerks. Fantasy Sports Writers Association member. His work  has been featured in the New York Times. Follow C.D. on Twitter @CDCarter13

C.D. Carter has also recently been writing about how poker can be applied to fantasy sports, check it out… Poker Lessons Applied to Fantasy Football

Check out C.D. Carter’s Amazon page for more of his fiction writing goodness Amazon.com

Ring The Bell

The breeze she creates when passing still wraps around me like chains, immobilizing every physical function I possess. My feet fight against the pressure the universe applies with her passage, the muscles in my throat fight to create moisture and simultaneously yearn for air to pass into my lungs. She creates a constant struggle to continue living, and is the only thing that fuels my existence; marriage is my only option, as soon as i find out her name.

- Jared

Someday You’ll Thank Me

“Look, I know I got you fired, and those fake pictures I put in your house ended your marriage. But I promise, it’ll all be for the best.”

Regret

I can only play the hand delivered to me by fate’s cruel deal. I can’t go back in time and change the events that led to the sequence of events that led to the event that led to my shirt being stained with coffee. I can only regret. 

- Wifi Typewriter

Follow this guest author on twitter @WiFiTyperwriter and at their blog WifiTyperwriter Blog


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